


Autumn Leaves (Red)

by carmelfringe



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: !!!, (it's such a good song btw), Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Autumn, Baker Harry, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Reminiscing, Song: Red
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 23:22:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17171417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmelfringe/pseuds/carmelfringe
Summary: Losing him was blue like I'd never knownMissing him was dark grey all aloneForgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never metBut loving him was redor: Harry and Louis used to be best friends but sometimes feelings and emotions tend to really complicate our relationships.





	Autumn Leaves (Red)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)  
> If you really wana feel the vibe I was going for then I recommend listening to Red by Taylor Swift, that's all.

Part One  
_Touching him was like realising all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_  
_Memorising him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favourite song_  
  
  
He could hear heavy rain droplets hitting his living room window. When he glanced at the street below his apartment on floor 5 he saw leaves dancing on the pavement, moved by the strong autumn wind. The sky was getting darker and darker every hour as if it was getting ready to fully embrace the night’s darkness. He always stayed up late. It was at that time that he felt his best. Night was mysterious, dark and for some people even dangerous. But no, not for him. For him night was beautiful. It was the equivalent of calm and safety. There was something about the darkness filled with silence and occasional sounds of cars driving down the street that made him feel at peace.  
  
Knowing that that evening was going to turn into one of those nights, Harry Styles sat down on the couch with a cup of jasmine tea in his hand. The photo album he was showing his niece yesterday was still laying there on the small table, opened on a page with photos from when he was a toddler. A small smile made its way onto his face. Everything was so easy back then. He then grabbed another album and opened it on a random page. Corners of his mouth that mere seconds earlier formed a warm smile suddenly dropped. Harry was still smiling. But this time it was a sad, remorseful smile, the one that graces your face every time you remember something that used to make you feel like the happiest person on the planet but disappeared from your life so you no longer have this specific source of happiness. For him this source of happiness was no other than his former best friend Louis Tomlinson. The man that still, to that day, occupied half of his heart, if not whole.  
  
They were sitting on a couch, much like the one on which Harry was drinking tea right now. Harry can’t really remember who took this photo. Maybe his college roommate Niall? Or was it Zayn, his artsy mate with very impressive photos in his portfolio? He really had no clue. But what he knew for sure was that this photo was taken on one of the happiest days in his life.  
  
_7 years ago_  
_Rapid knocking on the wooden door to his dorm woke him up from the probably-already-too-long nap. As Harry slowly rose to his feet he rubbed his tired with sleep eyes and yawned._  
  
_“Open the door Harry, I know you’re in here!”_  
  
_“Coming, coming, jeez.” He huffed and before he knew it he was catching the boy who jumped into his arms before he even had time to fully let him into the room._  
  
_“I’ve already ordered us pizza, figured your fridge would be empty after your long absence.”_  
  
_“I was gone for three days, Lou.” Harry deadpanned but smiled nonetheless._  
  
_“Yeah, I’ve just said it like a second ago. Long absence.” Louis said while rummaging through Harry’s kitchen like it was his own. “Where’s the jasmine tea? Did you misplace it somewhere? It’s not in its usual spot in your cupboard.”_  
  
_“Forgot to buy it. After I got here the only thing on my mind was going to sleep.” Harry came up behind him, reached to the top shelf and pulled out a small box. “Forest fruit tea good enough?”_  
  
_Louis looked up at him. “Fine, I guess. Not jasmine perfection but forest fruits it is.” He mumbled while theatrically sighing._  
_“Drama queen. Forest fruits was your favourite.”_  
  
_“It was. But that was before you bought jasmine on sale and life has not been the same ever since.” Louis said while fixing them two red mugs and putting the teabags in. “Next time jasmine better be there when I come over.”_  
  
_“Got it. Buy jasmine for tomorrow.” Harry said with a smirk plastered on his face._  
  
_Louis’ mock-offended face expression always made him laugh. “Hey! I certainly do not come over this often!”_  
  
_“You literally have your own drawer in my room.”_  
  
_“It’s not like you mind it.”_  
  
_“No.” Harry’s smirk changed into a soft smile in the span of two seconds. “I really don’t.” Using the fact that he was still standing behind Louis he sneaked his arms around him and hugged him to his chest. Louis instantly leaned back._  
  
_“Have you picked the movie for tonight?” Louis asked while pouring them two mugs of tea. Forest fruits scent hit their noses._  
  
_Harry shook his head which was lying on Louis’ shoulder. “Not yet. Got any ideas?”_  
  
_“I was thinking we could watch Valentine’s Day.”_  
  
_“Watching a movie about love while we’re both painfully single? Great idea.”_  
  
_“Oh come on, we both know you love rom-coms.”_  
  
_It was Harry’s turn now to look offended. “No I don’t LOVE them. I just don’t mind them, there’s a difference.” Harry said defensively._  
  
_Louis smirked. “I know for a fact that you’ve watched Love Actually at least fifteen times, not to mention your weird obsession with wedding movies. Come on Haz, I know you’ll love it.”_  
  
_Harry’s cheeks were getting more and more rosy. “I guess I’ll give it a go. It better be good though.”_  
  
_And that’s how they found each other laying on Harry’s old couch, limbs tangled and content smiles on both faces. Louis was slowly drifting off to sleep, cheek on Harry’s chest, his tanned arm draped around it. Harry’s gaze was focused on the end credits rolling on the tv screen. Then he looked at Louis and felt a weird pang in his chest, one he’d never felt before. In the movie there were presented storylines with different types of love: mother-son love, high school sweethearts love, closeted love, small infatuation and crushes. And every kind came with a lesson, whether it be about passion,  patience, devotion, determination or forgiveness. Harry never really thought about when love would come around. He just thought it’d simply somehow find a way to enter his life and stay there for good._  
  
_He caressed Louis’ fringe softly and then: “Oh shit”. And in that very moment he realised what exactly this weird pang he felt a few minutes ago meant. It meant that the person he called his best friend, who was now sleeping soundly on his chest, has somehow become everything he’d ever wanted. But, what Harry wasn’t aware of was how intense and overwhelming his feeling would soon become and how he was definitely not prepared for the inevitable rollercoaster of happiness and heartbreak he was about to experience._  
  
Present  
Harry looked at the photo one last time and thought about how sometimes fate works in funny ways, making things you never wanted to happen just casually enter your life, as if it was mocking you. He really felt like the biggest joke. Being in love with someone for YEARS, knowing this love will never be reciprocated? That’s just cruel. Yeah, Harry’s fate was never really on his side. A loud, annoying noise pulled him out of his thoughts.  
  
“Niall? What’s up?” He asked, balancing the phone between his ear and shoulder.  
  
“Hi H, listen. I know I’ve asked like a gazillion times but could you maybe-”  
  
“- Bake you a little something?” he finished for him. Niall was like an open book to him and if he was calling this late then it must’ve been important. And nothing was more important than his baked goods.  
  
“Uhmmm yeah…” Niall confirmed, not even a bit ashamed he was calling Harry at midnight just to ask for some muffins. “But this time you won’t be making this for me.”  
  
That caught Harry a bit off guard. See, Niall was a lovely person, he always shared everything he had with others. Everything but Harry’s muffins. Those were just his, too good to be shared with anyone.  
  
“And for whom will I be making them then?”  
  
Niall was silent for a few seconds.  
  
“My friend from Virginia is visiting. George, remember him? I used to live at his place during the student exchange we had in uni. Said he’s coming to London tomorrow night. Sorry, I know it’s very sudden but please can you bake a little something? I don’t wanna poison him with my attempts at baking, give him salmonella or some shit.”  
  
Harry scoffed. “Yeah, poor lad deserves way better than your instant brownies from Tesco.”  
  
“So… does this mean…?”  
  
“Yeah. You’re so lucky to have me, you dipshit, you know that?”  
  
“I do.”  
  
***  
“No, I don’t mean GMO-filled-whatever, I mean real eggs. Try harder, Niall.”  
  
Niall threw his arms in exasperation. “How many fucking egg kinds are there? They shouldn’t be this hard to find.”  
  
“Yes they shouldn't but we live in a world where everything is fabricated and fake. Even eggs. Do you want your muffins to be filled with Mendeleev periodic table or healthy, organic things?”  
  
“I really, really don’t care, as long as they make my tastebuds explode with how good they are and leave my stomach craving more.”  
  
“Then help me find those damn eggs. I think they’re…”  
  
Harry suddenly forgot what he was about to say because something caught his attention. Or rather someone.  
  
“Niall… Am I tripping or is this…”  
  
“Katelyn.” They both said in unison.  
  
The woman was smiling at two little toddlers. They were dressed in matching fluffy blue coats and had knitted hats with pom-pons on. Harry’s heart melted when he heard the little girl laugh at something Katelyn said.  
  
“Niall, let’s go.” He quietly muttered while lowering his head.  
  
“It’s been years, I thought you’re over this whole thing.”  
  
“I thought so too but apparently I’m not. Don’t know if I ever will be, to be honest.”  
  
But before he had time to turn away and go back to his car, heard someone shout from across the aisle: “Holy shit is this Harry Styles?” The woman immediately covered her mouth and said to the toddlers “Please pretend you didn’t hear that guys.”  
  
Harry slowly approached her, smiling timidly. “Hey, Katelyn. How are you?”  
  
“Oh don’t be a stranger, come on, bring it in!” And before Harry had time to respond her arms were already wrapped around his shoulders. To his surprise he quickly found himself returning the hug.  
  
“Can’t believe it’s really you. You’ve changed but also you kinda look the same. I don’t really know how to explain it” he laughed. “But you’re really glowing.”  
  
The thing was, she really was glowing. She’d always been beautiful but at that time, seeing her as a fully grown woman, Harry could see how merciful ageing was on her. She looked even more effortlessly beautiful than she did when they were in college. Her dark brown hair were cascading down her shoulders in waves, framing her porcelain face which spotted a radiant smile. She had her iconic red lipstick on. So not everything changed, after all.  
  
“Could say the same about you. I mean look at you! This may sound weird but you look like a proper snack. Wait not, like a full-course meal.”  
  
That had Harry genuinely laughing. Curse Katelyn for always being so charming. Then he felt someone tap his hand and gently tug on it.  
  
“Mommy mommy look! The pretty man has a ring just like my necklace!”  
  
Harry looked down and saw that the little girl was looking at his shamrock ring. He then spotted a dainty chain around her neck with a tiny shamrock pedant. Matching.  
  
“Mary, you should’t do that to people you don’t know. It’s a bit impolite, flower.” She then turned to Harry smiling apologetically and said: “I’m sorry. They’re just curious toddlers, what can you do?” But Harry simply kneeled down so he could be at the same level as Mary. “See? Now we’re matching. This is the ultimate friendship bond.” The little girl smiled.  
  
“My daddy gave this to me on my first day of kindergarten.”  
  
Harry’s smile faltered for a nanosecond but was instantly back on his face. Right. Of course. How could he forget.  
  
“That’s very nice of him.” He then turned to Katelyn. “How’re things with Louis? Looking at your two little angels I assume everything’s great?” It pained to ask. But he figured it’d look weird if he didn’t mention Louis at all. They used to be inseparable, after all.  
  
“Louis? Oh, I haven’t heard form him in a long while.”  
  
She must had seen Harry’s confused face because shortly after she exclaimed: “Oooh. Right. You don’t know. Silly me, of course you don’t know. I mean how could you know?” She fumbled with words for a moment. Harry did that too, that’s what made them become friends in the first place. “Louis and I are no longer together. Actually, we haven’t been for years. Mary and Jake are not his children.”  
  
Harry’s eyes widened almost comically.  
  
“You’re…not? What? When? Why?” His heart sped up and he honestly had no idea why. It’s not like he and Louis were friends. Hell, he can’t remember the last time they spoke to each other.  
  
“Three years ago I think? It was a mutual decision. I think we both knew we weren’t it for each other, you know? We split up on good terms, it wasn’t a nasty breakup. I met Tom, my husband, five months after.” She smiled softly. “As horrible as it may sound, this breakup was one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me. I’ve been engaged to Tom for over a year and I can’t really imagine living my life with someone else.”  
  
“You just know he’s the one.”  
  
“Yeah I do.”  
  
Harry felt a happy tug at his heart strings. Yeah, the whole Louis-Katelyn thing hurt him more than he could had ever imagined. He’d spent countless nights crying and cursing fate for making him put up with this mess. But Katelyn was his friend, so was Louis. He thought they’d be endgame but apparently fate had also decided to mess with not only his life but theirs as well. Seeing Katelyn so happy and in love made him start to believe that maybe his life wasn’t doomed to be spent alone. Maybe his happy ending would come, too. Maybe.  
  
“I’m really happy for you, Katelyn.”  
  
“Thank you. But enough about me, what’ve you been up to?”  
  
“Just baking, nothing exciting really. Love life? Nonexistent. No one interesting in sight. Ugh, give me some tips on how to get a spouse. Please. I feel like I’d make a great husband.”  
  
“Right? You’re totally husband material. And hey, don’t lose hope! You know what they say: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Maybe that’s how you’ll find your prince charming.”  
  
“He better give me the best cuddles so I can forgive him for showing up this late.”  
  
***  
_Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realising there’s no right answer_  
_Regretting him was like wishing you’ve never found out that love could be that strong_  
  
  
“Katelyn told you WHAT?” Niall’s eyes almost bulged out of their eye-sockets. Harry completely understood his reaction.  
  
“I know, I couldn't believe this myself. And here I was, thinking they’ve been married for years.” Harry still felt like he dreamt all this. Like Katelyn hadn’t said what his old self was often hoping to hear.  
  
“Well in your defence, there was no way for you to find out what they all have been up to. You and Louis sort of drifted apart.”  
  
Niall took a sip of his soda and leaned back in his chair. They were currently in the food court of the mall, all necessary muffin-shopping finally over.  
  
“Well yeah, I mean we live in completely different cities and all that.”  
Niall looked at him incredulously and Harry couldn't remember the last time his best friend gave him this look. The I-can’t-believe-you’re-this-dumb look.  
  
“Please tell me you actually don't think that this is the reason as to why you and Louis drifted apart. You and I both know there’s more to that story.”  
  
Harry sighed. “I know, I’m not stupid.”  
  
“You were inseparable.”  
  
“We were.”  
  
“But then you realised you had feelings for him, you started acting weird, he confronted you about it, you know the drill.”  
  
Harry wasn't even surprised Niall was telling the story of his biggest heartbreak as if he was talking about the weather. He couldn’t count the times they talked about this whole thing even if he tried. It was sad, really, that all his conversations always ended on Louis. Even after years of them not talking to each other. Pathetic. But at that point Harry didn’t even care and accepted the fact that this thing would probably haunt him for life.  
  
_6 years ago_  
_“Harry you’re drunk. We’ll talk about whatever problem you’re having tomorrow. For now just please lay down and drink this.” Louis held a glass of water near his mouth. He was trying his best, he really was. But drunk and emotional Harry was sometimes a bit too much to handle._  
  
_“No we won’t. Not tomorrow. Not everrr!” Harry flung himself on the couch and draped his arm across his forehead. While doing so he stumbled like a baby deer and laughed. Louis quickly caught him. Then, realised what Harry had just said._  
  
_“Why?”_  
  
_Harry slurred “Why what?” and looked at Louis curiously._  
  
_“Why won’t you talk about your problem with me?” He tried giving Harry water once again. The drunk lad took a sip and asked:  “What problem?”_  
  
_“I swear to God, Harry.” The frustration was slowly starting to get the better of Louis. “The problem that made you drink your weight in vodka.”_  
  
_Harry was quiet for a few seconds and then “Oooh.”_  
  
_Louis knew Harry was too drunk to carry a proper conversation. But he really wanted to know. They’d been best friends for quite a long time and never hid anything from one another. There were no secrets between them._  
  
_“So?” Louis prodded._  
  
_“So what?”_  
  
_Louis just sighed._  
  
_***_  
  
_Rays of sunshine hitting his face made him slowly open his eyes. He looked at the textbook on the nightstand — Business and Accounting. Somewhere in the middle of the book there was a green bookmark with a smiley face drawn on it. Hm, I don’t remember reading this book. Harry then looked around and slowly took in his surroundings. Wait a minute… This is not my room. Crap._  
  
_He heard a knock on the door._  
  
_“Morning sleeping beauty.” Louis said while sitting next to him on the bed. “You were asleep for thirteen hours. According to my estimations you were 3 hours away from decomposing and fusing with my mattress.”_  
  
_“Lou…” “I know what you’re about to ask.”_  
  
_Harry groaned. “Please tell me now and let’s get this over with. I feel like I don’t remember anything from last night.”_  
  
_“Yeah, you were pretty smashed.”_  
  
_The curly haired boy cringed. “How bad?”_  
  
_“By the time I opened the door you were already covered in puke.”_  
  
_Oh. So he was drunk drunk._  
  
_“What did I do?” He asked a bit timidly. A good 20 seconds passed and still no response. “Lou?”_  
  
_Louis looked at his carpet. Anywhere but Harry’s face. “You… um…”_  
  
_He felt his heart rate speed up. What did I do? His greatest fear of Louis finding out about the feelings he had towards him was getting more and more real. Oh no. I’ve fucked up didn’t I?_  
  
_“Listen.” Louis looked him in the eye. “I know you haven’t fully been yourself in the past months. And I figured you getting wasted had something to do with it.”_  
  
_“Please just tell me. Did I do anything?” Harry whispered, scared._  
  
_“No.” Louis then added “But you weren’t exactly keen on answering me when I asked you about your problem.”_  
  
_Harry was silent._  
_“And now I see sober you doesn’t wanna talk about it either.” Louis said a bit scornfully._  
  
_“I… um… no, not really. It’s nothing.” He just wished Louis would drop it. This conversation was headed to nowhere._  
  
_“Harry, it’s not nothing! Do you honestly believe I’m stupid enough to believe you!?”_  
  
_Louis was on the verge of losing all his patience and Harry could clearly see it. But, the thing was, that no matter what he said, he’d still be on the losing side. Explaining his problem meant confessing his feelings and Harry was certain those were definitely not reciprocated. Then, their friendship might turn awkward because Louis would feel guilty about not loving Harry back. And there was nothing Harry hated more than pity. Other solution was not telling Louis anything and pissing him off even more. There was no right answer to this crossword so Harry chose the latter._  
  
_“We’re best friends and yet you feel like you can’t trust me?” Now, he sounded so hurt Harry wanted nothing but to slap himself a thousand times. He then almost whispered: “Do you even trust me?” and looked Harry in the eye. His ocean blue eyes were full of sorrow._  
  
_“Of course I do. More than I trust myself.” He grabbed Louis’ hand and his heart skipped a bit._  
  
_“Then why won’t you tell me?”_  
  
_“I will tell you. A bit later.”_  
  
_But later never came._  
  
Present  
“I never asked. Did you guys make up after that fight?” Niall asked while starting the car and slowly making it out of the parking lot.  
  
“We kinda slid it under the rug I guess?” Harry fumbled a bit with all knobs on the car’s console until he found the one which turned the heating on. It was getting colder and colder these days.  
  
“So you never spoke about it again?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Shame.”  
  
“Why?” He genuinely was curious. Maybe Niall saw another, third solution?  
  
“Maybe he did feel the same.” Yeah, Niall definitely didn’t see another solution.  
  
Harry laughed.  
  
“Mate, I was the lovesick fool in this friendship. I was so pathetic I’d probably cover up a murder for him or blame it on myself. I remember this one time he ditched me for a frat party and I was like  oh okay fine I hope he has a great time.” He cringed at the memory.  
“He ditched you for a bunch of sweaty teenagers playing beer pong?”  
  
“Not purposefully. But yeah.”  
  
As they were approaching the red light, a car cut into their lane. Niall beeped and muttered “Fucking asshole” while Harry looked at the long traffic jam behind them. “You were saying?”  
  
“I just said that he didn’t bail on me on purpose. It was an accident. He simply forgot that we agreed to meet at the cinema.”  
  
A wave of realisation hit Niall. “Was it when you called me to ask if I wanted to go see The Hunger Games with you and when I said sure you were like okay fine meet me in Odeon in twenty?”  
  
“Maybe?” Harry said guiltily.  
  
“Ah, the joy of being someone’s second choice. Love that for me!”  
  
“Oh my God stop being so dramatic, I just didn’t wanna go alone. And for the record — we didn’t even know each other that well back then. We’d met like 3 months before, remember?”  
  
“I can’t believe Louis would do that, though.”  
  
“You make it sound as if he’d murdered a kitten. He simply forgot.”  
  
“But he’s not the forgetful type! At least he wasn’t back then, don’t know much about him now.”  
  
“He apologised at least fifty hundred times after that and bought me flowers. Do you know how great it felt to receive a big ass bouquet from someone you had a major crush on?”  
  
“But still… I feel so sorry for sixteen year old Harry who had to endure this. To be stood up by the one you love must be a very sad feeling.”  
  
Harry winced. “Yeah. But you cheered me up a little. That’s how I knew I wanted to spend more time with you. Being close friends with Louis was amazing, falling for him was heartbreak. I kinda wish I never found out that love could be this strong.”

 

  
Part 2  
_Losing him was blue like I’ve never known_  
_Missing him was dark grey, all alone_

  
_6 years ago (still)_  
_He was nineteen when he first met her. It was a Thursday evening when he realised his laptop wouldn't work and he had a paper due Friday morning. He desperately needed a laptop and he needed it now. Which is why he found himself knocking on Louis’ door. But Louis wasn’t the one who opened it. It was a tall brunette with a confused face. He asked timidly “Is Louis here?”, she smiled a radiant smile upon hearing his name, shouted: “Louis! Someone’s here!” and let Harry in._  
  
_“I see you’ve met Katelyn.” was what Louis said while approaching the two. It was when Harry noticed lipstick on his shirt and hickeys on her neck. He was a little shocked but hoped they wouldn’t notice. Of course he’d heard about Katelyn before. She was the reason Louis stayed less at his apartment. She was also the reason he cried a few times before falling asleep. He smiled and extended his arm. “Harry Styles. Nice to meet you.”_  
  
_Instead of taking his hand, Katelyn hugged him while saying “I’ve heard so much about you!”_  
  
_“I hope Louis spared you my embarrassing high school stories, though?”_  
  
_She laughed. He hoped Katelyn and Louis couldn’t see how hard he was trying to sound cheerful and how fast his heart was shredding into tiny, tiny pieces. Because as soon as Louis gave him his laptop and closed the door, hot tears spilled down Harry’s cheeks. He felt relieved that he could finally stop pretending he was happy. He knew that was selfish. His best friend had finally found someone special. But it wasn’t his fault that he just wished that was him instead of her._  
  
Drifting apart was just a matter of time. They weren’t as close as used to, Louis spent more and more time with Katelyn, Harry tried to distract himself with other things. He met new people, tried different hobbies. That’s how he found his passion for baking. Every time he felt sad, he baked to focus on something other than his miserable love life. He didn’t (and still doesn’t) blame Louis for their friendship falling apart, though. Because Louis did try to spend some time with him as well. But all Harry wanted was to stop loving the person who unknowingly broke his heart so he found plenty of excuses as to why he couldn't hang out with Louis.  
  
But God, did he miss him. He missed his soft hair stroking his cheek when they accidentally fell asleep while cuddling. He missed Louis being an everyday guest at his small apartment, missed their bickering and long conversations. Missed having someone to share joy with after he passed an important exam or having someone to call when he was down. Because even though Louis assured him I’m always there for you and Harry did know he could rely on him and trust him with his life, he also knew it meant Katelyn would be there for him as well. And he didn’t want a joined package. He wanted just Louis. Exclusively. And knowing Louis would always see him as the friend — not someone to spent the rest of his life with — pained him.  
  
***  
_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met_  
  
Katelyn and Louis broke up three years ago. Which means — they must had broken up a few months, maybe even weeks, after Louis announced their engagement and asked Harry a small favour which felt like a final nail to Harry’s coffin. It was then that Harry thought love was just heartbreak and nothing more. And the worst thing was, this thinking hadn’t really changed all these years after. Harry’s heart was a still broken. He just stopped caring and accepted the fact that he was meant to spend his life alone. Some people were meant to love but not to be loved.  
  
_3 years ago_  
_Hands covered in flour, beads of sweat visible on his forehead, he answered the phone with: “Styles Bakery. How can I help you?”_  
  
_Silence._  
  
_“Um… Hello?”_  
_He heard someone take a deep breath._  
  
_“Hi.”_  
  
_All it took was one word uttered by a certain somebody to make Harry’s heart stop beating._  
  
_“…Louis?”_  
  
_“Yeah. Hey, it’s me.” Louis laughed a little. Harry’s heart clenched. He’d missed this sound so much. It’s been ages since they last talked, curse Harry for always cancelling their plans and making up excuses. He just had to separate himself from Louis. He had to learn how to be okay, how to feel whole again but this time without him._  
  
_“How… how can I help you?” Harry answered with a racing heart._  
  
_I miss you._  
  
_“I…”_  
  
_Please say you miss me too._  
  
_“I’m actually calling to order a cake.”_  
  
_Oh._  
  
_“-Because you’re obviously the best baker I know.” Louis chuckled softly. It sounded a bit forced._  
  
_Right. Yeah, it maybe was a little foolish of Harry to assume Louis was calling to ask if he wanted to hang out. He probably got the hint Harry didn’t really want to, based on how many times he kindly rejected the offer. Ordering a cake was probably the only excuse to talk to Harry that was left. Both of them could feel how fast they were drifting apart but only Harry knew the reason. Louis was clueless and slowly giving up on trying to make things better between them. He tried, he really did, but there was absolutely no change. Harry was getting more and more distant every day._  
  
_“What kind of cake?” Was all he could ask._  
  
_There were three seconds of silence and then: “Wedding cake.”_  
  
_Harry’s movements stilled, he was blankly staring at the wall in front of him. Suddenly the delicious smell of freshly baked cupcakes made him nauseous._  
  
_“Oh, congratulations!” He said with as much fake cheerfulness as he could hoping it would somehow sound genuine._  
  
_“Thanks. I wanted to tell you about it but, well, you weren’t picking up.” Louis didn’t sound hurt nor did he sound spiteful. He said it in a light tone because he probably was over these feelings and was now indifferent to this whole Harry situation._  
  
_Harry winced. He knew it was very unfair of him to just ditch Louis and their friendship without a  proper explanation but there was just no other way. It hurt him but it would’ve hurt him a lot more if he stayed close to Louis. Self-care, is what he called it._  
  
_“I’m sorry. Was probably in the middle of baking and forgot to call you back.” Even Harry couldn’t believe himself and he knew Louis wasn’t stupid enough to believe this bullshit excuse as well.  “Anyways… A wedding cake, right?” Changing the subject would be the best option for the sake of both him and Louis._  
  
_“Yeah… A big, fancy one. Katelyn said she wants to go all-out with the cake.”_  
  
_“Consider it done. Just give me the date and I’ll have the cake ready. I’ll try to work wonders and give you the Bakery’s special.” He even tried to joke to make his enthusiasm more convincing. Maybe it was working._  
  
_“Amazing!” Louis replied cheerfully but there was something odd in his voice. Harry knew, he exactly knew, how happy Louis sounded and this wasn’t it. It was almost as if Harry had given not the reply he was hoping for. “I’ll tell Katelyn, she’ll be thrilled.” He waited a bit and then added. “You’re obviously invited to the wedding, yeah?” Louis sounded a bit apprehensive. “I’ll tell you the details later, we still need to figure them out.”_  
  
_Harry smiled a remorseful smile. “Sure. Thank you. And good luck with everything!” He didn’t even bother waiting for Louis’ reply and simply hung up._  
  
_He knew their friendship couldn’t be even called a friendship any longer. They weren’t friends, they were acquaintances — if that. But as hard as he was trying to forget Louis and the beautiful friendship he had lost, he simply wasn’t able to. Everything came back to him. Putting Louis out of his mind was impossible, he was too important to him. Just like you can’t say you know someone you’ve never met, you can’t also forget someone you called your best friend, someone who was your first (and probably only) love. No matter how hard you try._  
  
  
_But loving him was red_  
  
Present  
A week has passed since his shopping spree with Niall, three days since Harry gave him the muffins  and one day since Harry stopped thinking about his miserable love life. It was nearing 10 pm and he was watching Black Mirror on Netflix while sipping cocoa, covered head-to-toe in blankets, Donna (his three month old kitten) laying at his feet. Life wasn’t so bad at that moment. He felt quite content. He wondered if Niall’s friend from Virginia liked his muffins and if he did, then maybe there was a chance he’d like Harry too. It’s not his fault he was waiting for his big rom-com moment. He deserved one.  
  
A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts.  
  
[track: The Last Time - T.S.]  
  
He slowly got up, apologizing to Donna for disturbing her peaceful sleep and made his way to the door. Harry honestly had no idea who his mysterious visitor could be. For the first time Niall wasn’t his first guess since he was with George. His mum never visited him this late and Gemma was in Switzerland for an internship. To stop his mind from creating worst case serial-killer scenarios he unlocked the door and pulled it open only to immediately close it right after.  
  
_Holy fuck._  
  
He leaned against the door and took a deep breath. Was he hallucinating or...?  
  
_This can’t be..._  
  
He heard the person say “Harry let me in please, I’m not here to kill you!” but the voice was very faint. His mind was racing and overpowering any noise from the surroundings.  
  
Harry took another deep breath and opened the door once again. He blinked twice to make sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him but no,  it definitely wasn’t doing such things.  
  
Louis was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Then, after five seconds of both of them just standing there looking at each other, Louis sighed and flung himself at Harry.  
  
“It’s you. Oh God, it’s really you.” He muttered against Harry’s shoulder, voice wavering. Harry slowly wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. They stood like that for what felt like eternity, then Louis pulled back and took Harry’s face in this hands. Harry looked into his bright blue eyes, even more beautiful than he remembered and now glistening because of tears. Harry hopes they were happy tears, his certainly were.  
  
“What.... what are you doing here?” He whispered, still looking at Louis to make sure this wasn’t a dream or a hallucination. But Louis was standing there right in front of him and hadn’t yet evaporated into thin air.  
  
“I… Your muffins taste just as good as they did years ago, if not better.” Louis smiled.  
  
“How do you…What?” Harry didn’t know why they were whispering but he felt like whispering was the only appropriate way of having this conversation.  
  
“Let’s just say Niall’s American friend George wasn’t the one visiting him, instead it was his old British friend who desperately wanted to talk.”  
  
“Yeah… about talking. Let’s go sit on the couch, I’ll make you tea. You must be freezing, the wind’s strong as hell.” Harry said, already heading towards the kitchen. Louis sat between two fluffy cushions and was immediately inspected by Donna who sat at his feet.  
  
“Cute cat. What’s his name?” He stroked Donna’s head and felt her purring.  
  
“Hers. Donna. Like, you know, Donna from-”  
  
“ _-Mamma Mia._ Clever. Makes sense, you’ve always loved musicals.” A soft smile found its way onto Louis’ face. There was something about Harry that made him impossibly warm and gentle.  
  
“So…” Harry started while putting two mugs of tea on the table. He couldn’t help it, he was too curious and eager to find out the reason behind Louis’ unexpected visit. This scenario was just way too unlikely to ever happen and yet there they were.  
  
Louis’ movements on Donna’s head stilled but only for a moment. He leaned against the fluffy cushion and focused his eyes on the cat.  
  
“You probably wanna know the full story, right?”  
  
“Bet. You didn’t come here all the way just to give me an insight. I want the full story. ’M too curious to be left with no details.”  
  
“Okay. So as you already know the friend who asked Niall for your muffins was me, not George. I wanted — wait is this jasmine tea?” Harry nodded. “Sorry, I get distracted quite easily.”  
  
“I remember, Lou.”  
  
Louis felt warmth in his stomach at Harry calling him Lou. It’s been so long.    
  
“Anyways. I called Niall to ask him this favour. I haven’t really been in touch with him all these years as you know, not to mention we weren’t really that close back then. So, needless to say I was pretty anxious.” He took a sip. “I just… I’ve been thinking. A lot and for a long time. And my every thought always finished with you. I’ve missed you, Harry. So goddamn much.”  
  
Louis was looking at him with such sincerity, Harry’s heart felt as if it'd burst any second.  
  
“I’ve missed you too. More than you can imagine.” His voice was getting a little choked up, Harry hoped Louis wouldn’t notice.  
  
“I was in London, so desperate to just have the tiniest little piece of you, as pathetic as that may sound. And I’ve always loved your muffins. Well, I loved everything you baked if I’m being completely honest. So, fully aware of how utterly stupid my plan was, I asked Niall this favour. And then when I actually tasted those muffins I started crying. Fuck, now I’m starting to cry again. Sorry.” Louis wiped the tear that was slowly making its way down his cheek. Harry’s heart melted. He wasn't even sure how it was beating in the first place.  
  
“I started crying because those muffins still tasted exactly like those you used to bake for me back in uni. And that was just the confirmation of how much I’ve missed you. I know it’s been years. But I just couldn’t… I just can’t help it.” He laughed a watery laugh. “Shit, this probably is the most pathetic thing you’ve ever seen.” He laughed again.  
  
Harry put his palm on Louis’ knee and softly caressed it.  
  
“I know exactly how you feel.”  
  
“You do?”  
  
“I do. But, we’ll talk about it later. It’s your turn to talk now.”  
  
Louis took Harry’s hand in his and started playing with the rings on his fingers.  
  
“We drifted apart when I started dating Katelyn, I think. I don’t know if you know this, probably not, but me and her are over. Have been for three years.”  
  
Harry slowly nodded. “Yeah, I know that. I stumbled upon her in Tesco yesterday, completely by accident. We talked for a while and long story short she told me she has a fiancé now.”  
  
Louis smiled. “She does? Good.” He was still looking at their linked hands. “We broke up shortly after our engagement.”  
  
Now that’s what truly surprised Harry. “So you never married her?”  
  
“No. If I remember correctly, I told you I’d invite you to our wedding.”  
  
“Yeah, but-”  
  
“No buts. Doesn't matter we weren’t close. I’d still have invited you. But I didn't get the chance because I broke up with her two months after the engagement.”  
  
“You broke up with her? Why, if I may ask?” Was Harry’s heart ready for this many surprises in just one night?  
  
“I was in bed, she was fast asleep next to me. I couldn’t sleep so, naturally, I started to think about everything.”  
  
“Everything as in…” Harry whispered, almost inaudibly.  
  
“All the events in my life. My marriage, her, you, everything and everyone. And… I came to a conclusion that if I didn’t have her by my side I’d still be able to function well. So…why did I need to marry Katelyn if my happiness and well-being weren’t really dependent on her?”  
  
Harry stared at Donna, hoping maybe she’d have some answers. She didn’t so he settled for “I don’t know.”  
  
“My point exactly. I was quite miserable back then and even she wasn’t able to fix it. I didn’t feel like myself and had no idea what to do with it. How to feel whole again. Much, much later I figured out why I felt that way, though. And it had nothing to do with Katelyn.” Louis voice got quieter with every sentence that left his mouth. Harry stopped breathing for a moment.  
  
“Did it have anything to do with someone else?” He could barely hear himself. He was still looking down but felt Louis’ gaze on his face.  
  
“It did. I think you know who I’m talking about.”  
That’s when Harry finally looked up and their eyes met.  
  
“Why me?”  
  
“I thought I loved Katelyn. I really did. But if I truly loved her, them why did I feel so miserable after me and you drifted apart? Why couldn’t I focus on my godforsaken marriage and all I could think about was you and our dead friendship? Why instead of thinking about the perfect wedding date was I thinking about the reason why you suddenly cut me off? Why were you way more important to me than my soon-to-be-wife?”  
  
Speechless. For the first time in ages Harry didn’t know what to say. He was still trying to process everything he’d just heard.  
  
“I missed you so fucking much. But I figured you didn’t wanna be my friend any longer so after a few attempts I thought I’d let you go. But it hurt.”  
  
It was Harry’s turn to confess something. Now or never.  
  
“You know why I had to cut you off, right?”  
  
Louis shook his head.  
  
“Come on, it’s pretty obvious. I started avoiding you right after you got together with Katelyn.”  
  
“Yeah, at first I thought you maybe wanted to give me some space. We used to be inseparable and now here I was in a relationship. I thought you just wanted to not bother me while I was trying something completely new.”  
  
Harry chuckled. “That’s a very interesting theory. However, my intentions weren’t as noble.”  
  
It took Louis three seconds and then Harry heard him say “Ahhh, So you were-”  
  
“Very jealous of you? Yeah. I was. It hurt to share you with Katelyn.”  
  
“But me being with her didn’t mean I’d suddenly stop being your best friend.”  
  
Harry have him a funny look. “Louis…”  
  
Louis looked puzzled. It was quite funny, actually. If Harry wasn’t completely swimming in nerves, he’d probably have laughed.  
  
“I was jealous because I wished it was me instead of her. _That’s_ why I did my best to avoid spending time with you. Because it really did hurt. And I didn’t know how longer I could go on like that, pretending I’m thrilled for you two when, despite trying my very best to be happy, I can’t remember the last time I was this sad.”  
  
Looking at Louis’ shocked expression one might have thought Harry had told him about aliens having a tea party in his kitchen.  
“I… don’t know what to say.”  
  
Harry scratched his neck, his palm still linked with Louis’.  
  
“Yeah… thought you deserved an explanation. So. There it is.” He was already starting to feel awkward. God, this was a big mistake.  
  
“And h-” Louis coughed. “How about now?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“How do you feel about me now? Are you pissed? Are you sad?”  
  
It was Harry’s turn to look dumbfounded.  
  
“Why would I be pissed at you?”  
  
“For not telling you about my breakup? For not noticing your feelings?” Louis shrugged.  
  
“Don’t be stupid. I can't blame you for any of this. If anyone should be pissed then it’s you at me for suddenly cutting you off.”  
  
Louis squeezed his hand. “I couldn’t be angry back then. And I definitely can’t be now.” He caressed Harry’s palm with his thumb and Harry’s stomach did a flip. “You never answered my question.”  
  
Harry’s cheeks started to turn a beautiful rosy colour.  
  
“Louis.”  
  
“Harry.” Louis’ hand was now brushing Harry’s arm up and down.  
  
Harry used his free hand to cover his face in embarrassment. “Please. You know how I feel about you. You know me, I’m the type that falls once but falls hard.”  
  
Louis smiled his Harry smile. “Please tell me.”  
  
Harry groaned. “This is so mortifying.” Louis gently pushed his shoulder while saying: “No it’s not.” He moved a little closer. “Tell me.” He then leaned in and whispered into Harry’s ear. “Tell me so I can tell you it’s mutual. And has been this way for years but I was just being dumb.”  
  
Harry slowly removed his hand from his face and mustered all the courage he had to look Louis in the eye and tell him “I love you. I still love you, even after all these years. I never stopped.”  
  
He was whispering but in the quietness of the apartment every whisper, especially that one, felt like a scream.  
  
But Louis was whispering too, when he said “I already told you it’s mutual. I love you, too. Sorry it took so long to pull my head out of my arse and finally realise what exactly these feelings were.”  
  
But that didn’t matter now, did it? Harry finally heard what he had been waiting for since he was eighteen. He’d loved Louis before he met Katelyn. He loved Louis during his three-year-long relationship with her. He still loved Louis even if he hadn’t seen him in the following three whole years. And he knew he’ll never stop.  
  
_Comes back to me, burning red._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you ever feel like chatting you can find me on twitter @swiftIouie x


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